Six teenagers wandering aimlessly – by foot – across the United States of America can be a fearful sight, unless one of them is wearing a starched tee shirt that reads, in large letters, “Have No Fear.” Then that might settle your mind a bit. Then again, maybe it wouldn’t. It’s no matter anyway, because none of these kids was wearing such a shirt.
This particular night was a cold one, which was odd for August, especially in Texas. Maybe they weren’t in Texas. Ever since they made that wrong turn back in Albuquerque – the same one that got Bugs Bunny every time – they weren’t really sure where they were. But the “Welcome to Texas: Gateway to Mexico” sign gave them reasonable confidence that they were in the largest of the lower 48 states.
They set out on their journey back in May, prom night. Each of them had a little too much to drink that night – not of alcohol, but too much soda, which left them with an urgent need to relieve themselves, and the line to the ladies’ room had a wait time of 32 minutes, while the men’s room was out of order after some loons stopped up the toilets. If I could tell you what the toilets were stopped up with, that would be an interesting bit of info, but I wasn’t there, and I usually don’t ask for the details of toilet contents.
So anyway, we have six teens desperately seeking a john (one of them had been desperately seeking to dance with a guy named John, who was the high school’s star quarterback, earlier in the evening, but that’s another story). Given that the usual facilities were unavailable, the six of them wandered out into the woods behind the gymnasium where the prom was being held. The guys went to the left and the girls went to the right. What they didn’t know was that these woods were infested with poisonous snakes, but what they also didn’t know was that these snakes are repelled by the smell of urine, so they were safe.
Once the kids had done their business, one of them had an idea. “Hey guys, I was just thinking,” he said. Just then an owl wisped past his ear and startled him. (I’m not sure if wisped is the right word, but it sounds about right.) After he had collected himself, he continued, “Oh, nevermind, I forgot.” One of the other guys did have an idea, though. He proposed that since they were already about 40 yards away from the school, hidden in the woods, missed by no one, why not just keep going? It was only 11:30 at night. They still had at least six hours before daybreak, so they could be well out of town before anyone had a clue they were gone.
The other five mumbled – the official language of teenagers – their condescending objections to this crazy idea, one citing the fact that there was still four weeks of school left, one adamant that she needed to take her guinea pig for a walk in two hours, and one explaining – to everyone’s horror – that he wasn’t wearing any underwear and how that was not appropriate attire for a six-hour hike through the woods. The other two were also scoffing at this impulse suggestion of running away, but it was nothing worth repeating.
But in any case, they started walking: one reasonably handsome young man, two average ones, and one rather awkward fella, all dressed in tuxedos (see, the “Have No Fear” tee shirt would have not been appropriate attire), accompanied by three young women (a French horn player from the band, a really pretty girl who had not yet matured into being cool and evil, and the sister of one of the guys), all wearing their prom best.
So now, here we are on this cold night in August. Over the past three months, one of the guys has developed some serious chaffing due to his missing underwear. And this isn’t the guy who started with no underwear. That guy stole the awkward guy’s underwear while he was sleeping one night. So it’s the awkward guy who has now become more awkward due to his duck-waddle-meets-the-Texas-two-step walk. And compared to that guy, there’s nothing really worth mentioning about the other five on an individual basis. Besides that, it’s much more interesting to talk about how this group of six have discovered that they are superheroes.
The End
